I’m sitting at Starbucks. In Wisconsin. Having a hard time. So many thoughts and emotions. And since I’ve got a mocha, a laptop, and some time alone … I’m going to write about it.
I’m going to write some of this assuming you know the challenges we’re facing right now. I know some of you do, and some of you don’t … so take from this what you will.
my stance
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts … I’ve chosen to forgive and extend grace. To give nothing less than what’s been given to me on the Cross of Calvary. Roses and butterflies and all things lovely? Heck no! Struggles, challenges, and difficulties are what I face on a daily basis.
I am human … made of flesh and blood and earthly things. I feel on earth. And this is the hardest road I’ve had to walk.
I guess what I’d like to explain is that just because I’ve chosen to extend forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s easy or okay. By any stretch of the imagination. It. is. downright hard and difficult beyond anything {I would venture out to say} you can ever imagine.
I need to make a conscious decision, on a regular {minute-by-minute sometimes} basis to stay in a Christ-like frame of mind. And the thing is … it’s a way of life. It’s not just a one-time, I’m-extending-grace-kind-a-thing. It’s a daily, in every situation, with every person you encounter kind of thing.
{source}
It’s hard.
But we have a Savior. A role model. Thee model. Who on the Cross, with His last dying words pleaded, “Father forgive them. They know not what they do.”
I strive … with all of my being … to show this kind of grace … this kind of forgiveness to everyone I encounter. It sho ain’t easy and it’s been a long process to make it a way of life. And my goal now, dear readers, is to show you the importance of extending grace. Forgiveness. We’ve been wronged. We’ve been lied to. We’ve been hurt.
But it’s so not for us to hold on to. As difficult as letting go can be. At the end of the day … the final judgement isn’t ours.
I encourage you … myself included … to give grace as freely as it’s been given to you.
grief {hiding behind my smile}
I’m having a hard time in that, we have no option but to move on. To move on with life. When someone asks, “how are you?” I put on my smile and say “okay.” That’s two-fold in the sense that I do it because it’s really who I am. I rarely {at least I think} complain about things or carry on. I really try to be careful about what I profess. When you live in a well filled with complaints, I think that “cloud covering” ends up following you around. Remember Pig-Pen?
Or how ’bout Eeyore?
See what I’m saying?
And the second-fold part … you might be saying … just tell us, just share how you feel or what you’re going through. But truly … how can I express to others what I can barely articulate to myself.
What I need people to know is that I’m not okay. I’m far from okay. We. are far from okay. Each one of us {Taylor, Piper, Wynter, Hunter and myself} struggles on a daily basis with something. They should not be thinking or processing the things they are faced with right now.
The good news though … what I cling to … and what gets me by is that we are okay in the larger, grander … I know without a doubt God has plans for us and He is with us and will not forsake us. But in the earthly-everyday-putting-one-step-in-front-of-the-other-scheme-of-things … we’re far from okay. I’m doing all I can to keep the girls happy, healthy, and normal. And I’m doing all I can to push forward and move on and try to find some sort of normalcy in this crazy we’ve been dealt.
But sometimes it seems just as I think things might be getting better, or might be lightening a little … this road I’m traveling takes a u-turn back to difficult.
And sometimes, most times? difficult can be a very lonely place. As much as I tend to be an open book. This experience has not only brought me to my knees, it’s also drawn me inward. I’ve learned no matter how great the love or intention … there are rarely earthly words that comfort. I remember reading many great things on this subject in Angie Smith’s book “I Will Carry You” ::
“Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course,
and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride.
You cannot rush grief. Read that again, and let it soak in as you either
walk through it or alongside someone who is in the midst of it.”
“There is no normal. There is the loss, and there is the Lord.”
“People are uncomfortable swimming in another’s grief.”
“I sense people’s intentions, and I know that this is their desire,
but honestly it falls flat … I understand you want to say the right thing.
Yet sometimes the right thing is to say nothing at all.
It’s just to be there, available, willing, authentic.”
“Show up ready to walk alongside the one who grieves and
commit to lifting that person up to the Lord in prayer.
I assure you, you cannot mess up a conversation with someone who is
going through this season as long as you are doing these things.”
“Be on your knees for your friends and commit
to seeing it through, however long that takes.”
The single, most important thing that has gotten me this far … is on days when I was even too weak to pray myself … I knew there were prayer warriors all over lifting me and my family in prayer. To get a text that says “I’m on my knees for you right now!” or “Please know I’m lifting you in prayer” … was truly something that carried me.
Anyway. My point here actually started to be that just as I thought my load was lightening ever so little, the difficult came back full-force.
I was at a friend’s house during my time in Wisconsin and got a phone call I wasn’t ready for. Just.wasn’t.ready. Ever.
But instead of going back to my friends and sharing, I put on my happy-everything-is-fine face. Why? you might ask? Why don’t you share? Because, as I’ve stated above, sometimes there just aren’t words to comfort. It might not make sense that I can’t share with friends, or even sometimes family, what I’m going through … but sometimes *I* don’t even have words. I can’t even coherently put into words the gamut of what I’m feeling.
One friend recently wrote this to me: In survival mode, all bets are off. Normalcy is thrown out the window, and you shouldn’t expend any of your resources (physical, emotional, mental, etc.) unless absolutely necessary. So don’t push yourself.
I think I’m going to take that to heart a bit longer. Cuz I’m definitely in survival mode. And I definitely sense normalcy is still a bit down yonder …
visiting wisconsin
See the thing is … even though we’ve moved and are seemingly settling in, and even have some fun blog posts … we didn’t ask for this move. We didn’t ask for our lives to be uprooted. I didn’t ask to be a single mother, to run a household by myself. I was thrown a curveball and am doing my best to play the hand I’ve been dealt.
Flying into Wisconsin is so hard. Being in a place that’s home in our hearts, yet knowing it’s not our home anymore. We’re just visitors now. It’s too hard for words.
the weight of the world
To properly convey the weight of what I’m dealing with … sometimes I wonder if it might be best to crawl under the covers in a numb stupor. Most times, it’s how I feel on the inside. But outside, and for the sake of my children … the world moves on. I put on a brave smile and we move on.
If one more person asks me why we moved … I just.may.scream. Not really. But geesh, I’m tired of explaining how “we just needed a change of pace.”
No one would guess I’m currently bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m cautious to go to far with that … because, even though, yes many times I do feel the weight of the world … I’m thankful that God is carrying me. I feel that. I know that. I live that.
No doubt about it, I would be in under those covers if it weren’t for Him.
But that weight? No one knows or understands the complexities. The intricacies. The difficulties. I don’t just have myself to think of and answer to … it goes so much deeper than that.
It’s raw. It’s painful.
But I’ve managed to stay strong, standing … because I know there are greater plans for me and my family. I know this isn’t the end of our story. In fact, I believe with everything inside of me that this is only the beginning.
Christa Wells has a song, that says, “A thousand things are happening in this one thing, like a thousand fields nourished by a single drop of rain…so wrap yourself in promise and wait the morning light, a thousand things are happening tonight.”
We don’t often see, things from His perspective. But He is working, moving, and walking with you on this most difficult path. From where I sit, you have walked it with Him- each step and in grace and integrity.
Praying for you friend.
Well said…your emotion comes through and it breaks my heart….because as you said you didn’t ask for this but you are doing the best you can. It was so wonderful to see you but as I sat across from you I thought if nobody knew what you were going through they would think all is well. You have always carried yourself so well, with your MS and now with all of this…….the smile on your face never reveals the pain in your heart but I feel it and pray that someday your pain will ease. I believe as you do…that this is just the beginning! Love you and know you are not alone.
Your writing has once again brought tears to my eyes Tracie – please know that you are in my prayers daily. You have no idea how many people you have inspired through your writing, definitely me included.
Remember our pinky swear, that is what we are really living for. Each and every day, draws us nearer to that promise. Sometimes that knowledge is all we really have.
I can.not.wait to come and visit you next weekend and just spend a few days with you. Marissa is also looking forward to the visit and having you take her senior pics!!!!
LOVE YOU FRIEND!!!!!
Your girls are incredibly blessed to have you as their mother. Thank you for sharing your journey. Your words inspire me to be a better person, a better Christian. May God bless your family.
tracie… its amazing to me the GRACE that you have displayed during all of this… if it were me I’d be hiding in bed (or yielding a sharp object at you know who), drinking another cocktail, swearing up a storm and cursing the world. Seriously, you have handled all of this with GRACE. and I don’t know how you’ve been able to do it. I can’t even imagine how hard this has been and how your trip back to WI brought back so many memories and feelings. In my favorite book, Eat Pray Love, she writes about how she wants to find “acres of grace.” “In the the space between the two poems, I have found acres of grace.” That’s what you have my friend. Acres of Grace.
You just keep hanging in there and putting one foot in front of the other. It will get easier. Or so I’m told. Sending lots of love and prayers to you & the girls now and always ~ xoxo
You were drinking coffee when you wrote this & I’m drinking a cup now, does that mean that in a sense we’re sitting together having this conversation? I’d like to think so. One thing is for certain, if we were together you’d see a lot of emotion in my eyes right now. They’re filled with love for you, sadness at what you’re currently faced with, compassion, anger, and tears. You’d also see me desperately trying to figure out a way to help you and somehow control the situation because that’s how I normally deal…but like you said, there’s really no way for me to fix this or to even provide words of comfort. That’s probably been the hardest part of this horrible mess for me…not being able to help my friend. There are so many of us out here that want to make it all better & then feel helpless when we realize there’s nothing we can do but pray. But I’ve been looking at this all wrong because praying is an amazing gift that WILL help lift you up. Instead of praying for what I think you need/want I’d like you to tell me (us) specifically how I (we) can best pray for you. There are so many people you inspire on a daily basis & I know they all want to help you so lay it out there, my friend, what are the specific things you need right now?
Yes indeed, prayer is a powerful thing! It is the undergirding that gives us the wings to fly against the wind when everything comes rushing at us! And so, I will continue to pray for you!!
I wish I had something full of wisdom to say to you now, and through all of this. But I don’t, just know that I am still on my knees for all of you. Praying to the One that is writing your story.
My heart is SO, so heavy for you, and yet I awe and revel in the amazing grace and glory that you continue to show. You are an amazing mom and powerful woman–it takes incredible strength to face everything that has come your way in the recent months. The power of His grace will lift your chin in even the darkest of days to come. We support you, love you immensely, and continue to lift you in prayer!
Tracie, no words I can say will do any justice. Know that I am praying for you. Know that I’m quietly walking beside you and am here for you. Know that so many of us are. You amaze me.
dear friend, I am praying for you and each of the girls by name….daily! and the rest of your family. I know how hard it is to move, especially when you aren’t planning to move, but sort-of have to….we are there. right there with you on that one. anyway, please know i’m praying. and i couldn’t agree with you more (about your story, or mine) that He’s got this. It’s just the beginning. And THAT I can rejoice about! ;)
I want to give you the biggest hug that I possibly can. You are such a strong wonderful loving caring person. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of stress that you have been going through. And you don’t deserve an ounce of it. I pray for all of you on a daily basis. Praying faithfully that God will give you some comfort and peace. I love you Tracie!
“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”
It will happen..you will eventually…hopefully..turn the corner.. Open your eyes..peel back the covers and your lives will flow as they were always meant to..stay strong! You CAN do this!
tracie, this post shows what a strong person you are and how you are resting in the Lord and His plan for you and your family’s lives. i can’t express to you how refreshing that something like this is to read, even though i know none of the details of what you are going through, it’s uplifting as your sister in Christ. my prayer for you is to know the peace the passes all understanding on a moment by moment basis and that regrardless of what the Lord continues to bring your way you will cling to the Most High. one day at a time…
This morning, I woke up having a dream about you and the girls . . . and your words were the first I “heard” — in the quiet time before the fishermen returned and the rest of the sleepy family awoke. I am so glad you vocalized what is on your heart, even though I know and feel so much of it already. I believe that, while you do not owe a single person an explanation of what’s on your heart . . . that it’s important for your own healing to acknowledge all of those feelings and emotions. You *do* need to go easy on yourself and take each day as it comes. Sometimes being kind to oneself is the hardest thing!
I know that you know this already, but in case you need reinforcement . . . I am always here for you — any time you need me! You’re never alone in this. Love you so much.
Tracie,
I think of you and your family often. Sometimes life just isn’t fair and sometimes it’s just so hard. I have been living my own hell for over a year now, and just when I think it can’t get any worse, something else happens. Then I read of your struggles and realize that everyone has there own issues, and problems and all we can do is learn from them and try to move on, easier said then done, but I have to try, just for my own peace of mind. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and things will work out, they have to right? I dont have the faith that you do, but my sister tells me-it’s god’s will-I have a hard time understanding that, anyway I am glad you have your faith and I hope your faith will bring you peace. I just wanted to forward you an email that was sent to me and hope you enjoy it. Take care Tracie
Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey.
Paul Harvey Writes
“We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I’d like better.”
I’d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it’s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he’s scared I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you’ll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don’t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won’t be seen riding with someone as un-cool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head…..
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don’t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don’t like it… And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize that he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor’s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukkah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you – tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it’s the only way to appreciate life….
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I’m here for you. And if I die before you do, I’ll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.
Traci-
Grace and forgiving is the definition of you. I continue to be amazed at how you are handling yourself during this time. You have put on the stoic face for most yet many of us feel your pain. The example you are setting and teaching your children is invaluable. How lucky they are to have you as their mother.
I feel like Cyndi was in my head writing her comment! My instinct is to attempt to “fix” things, or at least console, yet there isn’t a way to take your pain away or make things better. So, if what I’m meant to do is walk alongside, I’d sure like to focus that walk and my prayers for you if possible. I am so sorry that you are on this extremely painful journey. I love you.
http://youtu.be/eC73Qa90phg
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel’s den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we’ve marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now
all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
“are you there?”
and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i’m sleeping,
like in soloman’s sweet dreams
but i don’t need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now”
i love you, my friend. you are always on my mind, even if i’m not near a keyboard. you’re always in my prayers, even the quiet ones in the depths of my heart. if i could be there at your side, carrying you through personally, i definitely would be. tracie, hold on to the faith that all will be made right. for it will be.
::hugs::
Tracie,
For the last several months, this verse has been on my heart for you as I have shared before:
Isaiah 43:2: When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
It is evident that God is with you giving you the strength and grace you need for this time. Thank you for sharing what is on your heart. I am praying for you! Love you!
De-lurking simply to let you know that you and your daughters are in my prayers.
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I am a “fixer”… I have never been one to sit back and let others struggle, but I do not know what to say other than I truly believe we are never given more than we can handle. We may come to the brink — it may seem like we cannot take the pain/disappointment/frustration one minute longer, but then, a light shines. We find the strength to make it one more minute, then one more day.
You’ll have no idea how your post and the following comments touched me today. I have always believed messages of hope arrive in some of our darkest hours. Thank you.
I pray for every fiber of your being. TO be reinforced, knit together more strongly and tightly than you have ever imagined. I imagine that this stitching can’t be done by you, but you must allow for the pain of it. It’s new, new weight, new materials. For the daily weight you must bear. I pray for every fiber. The Lord knows your heart, of that I am sure.
I think that I have been where you are, to some extent. I felt a kinship when I first started to read your blog posts. And I feel it even more now. I will pray for you, hard. Know that God WILL see you through this. He is so so faithful.