Forgiveness does not mean excusing.
~ C. S. Lewis
It’s important to understand condoning and/or enabling are not forgiving. We can forgive someone and not enable a behavior to continue.
Let’s say we’re in a situation where there’s adultery, abuse, or addictions involved. How do we forgive without enabling the behavior?
It starts by going back to the core truths of forgiveness and the things we’ve covered. 1) God has commanded we forgive. 2) Forgiveness frees us, not the transgressor. 3) Forgiveness is rooted in grace—giving someone something they don’t deserve. 4) Forgiveness allows God to move.
It is possible to forgive and not condone or enable a behavior. If one of the above behaviors involves you or someone in your life, it’s important to seek godly counsel and wisdom. If it’s an abusive situation, the abuser needs to get help and the victim needs to get out of harm’s way immediately. An addict needs rehab and on-going counseling and AA meetings. And an adulterer needs counseling and possibly rehab or SA {sexual addiction} meetings.
Just because we’ve decided to forgive someone doesn’t mean we allow the behavior to continue. In fact, it’s very important we do all we can to help the person stop his/her destructive behavior.
I realize every situation is uniquely different, which is why it’s so important to find someone we trust who can pray with us and give godly counsel.
This is a difficult subject matter and I’m not a counselor. I’m speaking only from my own experiences and what I believe to be true. As I’ve said, every situation is different and everyone reacts differently—both the person in need of forgiveness and the person forgiving.
And it’s important to remember no matter the situation or temperature of the transgressor’s heart, we’re still required to forgive.
In his book, Total Forgiveness, author R.T. Kendall says, “Can a person totally forgive and yet at the same time be the one who reports the crime? Absolutely.”
Your love must be real. Hate what is evil, and hold on to what is good.
Romans 12:9 {NCV}
“Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
We need to check the temperature of our own hearts. Are we being vindictive or hateful, wanting them to “get what they deserve?”
True – a crime needs to be reported.
Equally true – we’re required to extend forgiveness regardless of the situation.
Father, I pray for discernment for anyone reading these words. In light of difficult circumstances they may be faced with, I pray they’re able to come to a place of true forgiveness—releasing any vengeance or hate. I pray Lord for real love in our hearts. A love found only in You. A love through which we can find true forgiveness.
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So true and so hard to do all at the same time……….. From my personal experience – I want to forgive and then I feel like it will happen all over again to someone else who doesn’t deserve the hurt/pain/loss…… In the end forgiveness is the best, i just hope that the counseling – whatever form it may be – make that person a better human being…….
These words are needed. A young mom that I mentored for a few years was told that she hasn’t forgiven her abusive mother unless they’ve been reconciled. It hurt my heart to hear someone manipulating her when she’d worked very hard with the Lord to find forgiveness and peace. Thankfully, someone she trusted told her that because her mother was living in the same hurtful ways, it was wise to stay away – especially for her young child’s sake.
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