Yesterday was “dress like your favorite book character” at school. Fun, no?
Here’s the thing with my girls … they are pretty much their own little individuals. I use to be harder on what I made let them wear … including Taylor. Really, mostly with Taylor. She groomed the way for the little girls.
When Taylor was six or seven, she had on a pair of bootcut pants that were about 2-3 inches well above her ankle. Seeing that they were bootcut, she sure wasn’t gettin’ away with a capri look!
Anyway. I told her to change her pants and she got upset. “You just want me to be perfect,” she yelled said. Stopped me in my tracks.
Wasn’t so much I wanted her to be perfect, as I wanted others to think she was perfect. Hmm.
She taught me something.
So now days {and for the last six or seven years}, I pretty much let them have their own style. In fact, at church this past week, Wynter’s Sunday school teacher stopped me and remarked at what great style my girls have.
Note: Wynter was wearing polka-dots … a bright pink variety on her sweater {that was probably layered over something striped} and light pink pants with a different polka-dotted variety.
“Gee, thanks,” I said to the teacher. “They do dress themselves,” I added, lest she think their style was my style! Right?
Anyway. So back to today’s theme.
I’ve been asking the girls what character they’d like to dress up as … I had a few ideas of my own! Ladybug Girl, maybe a Bible character, the classic Cinderella {or one of her princess friends}, and then of course the fallback … Fancy Nancy. But nah … they had their own thoughts on what they were going to do.
They had their costumes all picked out and ready to go. Piper was going to be the Fairy Godmother and Wynter was going to be Fancy Nancy. They wouldn’t let me help with the costumes at all. Everything I suggested was either too itchy, or not right. So I watched as they put their outfits together.
Piper ended up with a really pretty ballerina type skirt with beautiful tulle and flowers; a fairy cape; the purple bodysuit she’s sporting above; and I was trying to convince her to wear her glittery Converse. So she’s all set.
Wynter picked out a beautiful Cinderella character dress she got for Christmas. She had the shoes, a tiara … she’s all set. Oh! and I should mention … she’s not going as Cinderella … she’s going as Fancy Nancy.
They set everything out in their closets and go to bed. When we get up the next morning, they get into their costumes … and look great. Whew … all set.
Wait … those descriptions don’t at all match these photos, do they? What happened?
Individuality, patience, and letting go, is what happened.
They were all dressed and ready to go, when they changed their minds. They wanted to dress in something different. Huge sigh from mama … “all right, go change.”
This is what they come back with. Can you see the stain on Wynter’s dress? My-oh-my … is it courage I have for sending them to school like this … or stupidity?
Wynter is still Fancy Nancy {did you look at the link folks? she ain’t lookin’ so fancy … or so nancy!}. And getta look at her shoes … well, more precisely, the socks!
And Piper, I assumed was still a fairy godmother. But when we got in the car, I thought I should double check, so asked her what she was … she said she didn’t know. I thought of a few things, but she said no … she wasn’t that. She was perfectly happy with not having her costume defined.
And I couldn’t resist sharing these photos of Hunter. She decided it was dress-up day at her school too! My baby …
Okay, here’s the thing … I really love their individuality. I love they are confident in who they are and what they want … well, unless it involves a tantrum in the middle of Target.
But when we got to school and I saw all the beautiful costumes … Harry Potter, Olivia, mermaids, Thing 1 and Thing 2 {a sister team … incredible!} … I had pangs of letting my kids down.
A friend of mine, and fellow mom … asked what Piper was, and I tried to blow it off so I didn’t have to say, “she doesn’t know.” When she asked Piper directly what she was, Piper answered in complete confidence, “I don’t know.”
I kind of whispered above Piper to my friend, “she just wanted to get dressed up and this is what she chose.” My friend said, “Oh! It wasn’t a big deal? Cuz it was a really big deal in our house.” I felt hurt. It was a big deal in our house too … but I let the kids have the freedom of being what they wanted.
I got in the car feeling sad for them. Questioning my parenting style.
Should I have been stronger about dressing them up? Did I do them a disservice? Are they sad they aren’t more dressed up? Or am I just worrying too much about what other people think? Hmm.
I’ve been pondering this a lot yesterday and today, and I guess when all is said and done … I would prefer they have the freedom to be individuals. I would prefer they continue to be confident in who they are, what they look like and how they’re dressed.
And now that I think about it … Hunter went to school today in her pajama gown. Not because I didn’t try to get her dressed … but because she felt like it.
What do you think? Conform … or foster individuality?
You know I think it’s different for everyone…I’m sure your girls were excited and that it was a “big deal” to them. It was just a big deal to them to be able to create their own thing/look. In my house (at least with Jack), I know it would have to be “perfect” in his eyes and I better not get the color of his shirt diff. than how the character is. But that is just his personality…in both ways, it is still a “big deal” to them!
You have fostered great confidence in your girls. As the girl who hated Halloween because my costumes were always terrible or “not right” and felt self-conscious about everything she wore in general, I know that you have done a great thing teaching your girls to feel good about what they choose to wear. I think if they feel good about the things they are wearing and how they look, that is all that matters.
I think you are brave to let them make their own choices…I can’t say I will be able to do the same when the time comes for my girls to start dressing themselves! :-) I think it’s probably harder for us moms to let go of wanting our kids to look “perfect.”
This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because it is something I struggle with. I was brought up to believe that appearance was importance . . . even if it was more “putting on an appearance” than anything genuine. I am still trying to break myself of that habit, and it is difficult not to pass it along to my children. This is hard because of the shame felt when I feel I’m not living up to my own “supermom” standards. I, too, want to let my children express their individuality and have had to learn to let go,even when my inner SuperMom is screaming at me to intervene! I will offer up my suggestions, even offer some perspective as to what others might think . . . but if those don’t change their minds, I try to let it go! Of course, I don’t want my children to be teased or shunned or any of the other horrible things that children and/or adults do. But I also don’t want to squash their creativity and expression! I think being a strict conformist is ultimately damaging and learning to be comfortable with who you are starting at a young age will serve a person well throughout their entire life!
Oooh. I love this discussion and am just starting to work through this with my 18 month old and her new-found decision making skills. It is so true that it is such an individual decision based on the personalities of both the parent and child and I really don’t think there is a right answer. My mom was not at all a girly girl, perhaps even a bit on the tomboyish side, but she felt that it was important for all of her kids to express themselves individually. As a result she let me (the girly girl) wear dresses all of the time, which I am so glad for because a. It was fun and b. I did turn out to be a girly-girl. My younger sister on the other hand was a total tomboy. There are very funny family portraits of my sister and I in matching dresses with matching hair, etc. and you can just see in those photos that my sister is NOT feeling it. Despite my mother’s best efforts, her bow came untied, her tights bunched up, and somehow the dress became wrinkled. It just didn’t fit her personality. In later family portraits my mom let her dress as an individual also and the pictures are much more a reflection of who she was then and is now today as well (sporty, creative, etc). As a lover of fashion I think that it is absolutely an expression of one’s self and creativity. What will be important for me to remember as a parent (who can be a bit of a perfectionist at times) as my child figures out her best (and perhaps a bit crazy) style is that even the fashion greats “fail magnificently” in their attempts at fashion/style (in the words of Issac Mizrahi).
This was a great post. Your girls are amazing and they do have a great sense of style. The pictures are fantastic. I have to admit, I feel your pain. For a while, I have tried to pick out clothes for Mally. I try to give her options, but now she wants to dress herself and you should see some of the numbers she picks out. I think letting them be themselves is great.
Let ’em do their thing! They’ve got the rest of their lives to conform. Maybe, if you’re lucky, they’ll carry some of of this self-confidence through puberty.
Lord knows there are days when I wish I had the moxie to dress myself like them and be totally comfortable!
today my daughter wore stripes & stripes, totally mismatched, chosen completely for function (both were the appropriate weight), not fashion. she did not see one thing wrong with what she chose. today, i didn’t correct her & just let her be. maybe i did it after reading your post. influential???
wow……. this is a good one. seems that I always have to pick my battles. i think this was a perfect time to let them do as they like. you could have said to your friend, i get to choose a lot of things they do, but today was their choice…. no need to feel bad. you just had your halloween where you guys all dressed alike… didn’t she see that? you put a lot of thought and details into everything you do. i don’t think she knows you very well. and lets just say the kids did get embarrased… well next time they would pick tinker bell if they felt bad about their choice. just like when we went to our first function underdressed or overdressed and we felt bad… we all learn from those mistakes,our decisions. i love now when i am over or underdressed and it doesn’t bother me…. because that was my choice for the event.
i struggle more when i don’t let the kids dress like they want. sometimes i want them to know, they can’t wear sweats and it’s not their choice (it’s not a choice of style, it is a choice of respect). i just had a finance guy tell me 50% of potential job candidates come in very casual and they don’t hire them. they don’t think they are that smart or they think they might be selfish. interesting, huh? sometimes i want my kids to know it isn’t all about them. like grand-ma’s 90th birthday party, what would she like them to wear… or a funeral, how would that family feel… or family photos that i want to hand out. (side note: that’s why your photography is so great, love the costume changes, everyone gets what they want)
please know you are a great mom…. and fostering independence is a great value to instill in them. i see a great future in fashion design for all your girls!!