Quite a few people have been asking about how I’ve been feeling lately, so I thought I’d post about it.  And since a post with a whole lotta text and no photos, is just plain boring … I thought I’d share some pretty photos of my precious Huntie.

I’ve been dying to get some photos of our apple trees before they were completely dead.  Last weekend was beautiful outside, and I had the girls dressed from taking their Christmas card photos in the morning {that’s another post}.  We were all outside playing, so I grabbed my camera and sat her under the tree.  Ain’t she cute?

Alright then.  Here we go with my post …

I’ll just be honest … I know there are MUCH worse things I could be dealing with, or trying to heal from … but let me just say … MS sucks the big one.  Note: not the biggest one, but definitely the big one.

It’s just so weird … the disease, that is.  Everyday is something different.  I don’t think I’ve felt normal, or healthy for a day since I was diagnosed in July.

Some days are worse than others and some symptoms are worse than others.  I definitely have my favorites and then the ones that just plain suck.

Sigh … and my brain is going too.  Think there’s such thing as MS brain?  Pregnancy has it, chemo has it … I think MS has it too.  Can I coin that phrase?  MS brain? ;)

I mean, I know we’re all losing it.  We’re all scattered brain … we all do these sorts of things:

• Ask the kids what they want to drink, immediately go to the fridge to pour chocolate milk and find yourself pouring apple juice
• Find your favorite sweater in the garbage can
• Use eye makeup remover as face wash
• Forget to wash the conditioner out of your hair

Gosh … I have some crazy moment on a daily basis, if not more.  But, case-in-point … I can’t seem to recall more of them right now.  And seriously … I get that we all have this …

Ha, I remember when I had pg brain … I had put Hunter down for a nap, she was a real “baby” then … the other girls were out at the pool, so I grabbed the baby monitor to plug in at the pool.  When I got out there and to the outlet, I realized there was no way I could plug our TV remote into the outlet.  Yeah.

The thing is … I honestly feel like my brain just isn’t working at full speed.  I’m having a harder time conversing with people because I feel like I can’t think fast enough to have a conversation.

And I’ve never been the wittiest card in the box {envy that trait in people}, so when people are joking around or laughing about something … I feel “stuck” … so hard to explain, but I feel like dud.  A dead end.

And the harder I try to think of something to say, the harder it is to get out and I find myself stumbling.  This all happens of course, in milliseconds … but to me, it feels like an eternity and everyone can see/feel me struggling.  I’m sure they can’t.  But it doesn’t change the rapid-fire struggle going on inside my brain.

Another thing … I feel like I’ve been having a harder time blogging.  I can’t get out the thoughts that I want to … in the way that I want to.  It’s also a situation where my brain is actually working faster than my fingers can {my typing coordination & movement of my fingers has gone downhill}.  And by the time I get a thought out, the other thoughts have left me.

Oh! and can I just say that my injections suck too?  They hurt.  Hurt, hurt, hurt.  The needle isn’t a big deal, but the actual medicine hurts so badly when it goes in.  It usually leaves either a bruise or red circle {CJ says they look like spider bites} around the injection site.  And the sites are sore.  Super sore.

Should I even admit this?  Yeah, suppose I will and hope you can relate.  My legs jiggle when I walk.  Yep, they do.  And my stomach too.  Never noticed it before.  That is until the jiggly parts started partaking in ouchy injections!  So now, every time I’m walking and I jiggle … it hurts!  Is that fair?

Well … at the very least, it’s motivation to get on the treadmill! ;)

Then Saturday night I had the strangest thing happen … I was at a GNO party … CJ was out of town and Taylor was watching the girls for me.  I took my injection before I left, as I usually try to take it at night between 5-6:00.  Within a couple of hours, my body started breaking down on me.  I had no idea what was going on, except that I was in extreme pain.  Everywhere.  And I was freezing.  And since I’m usually over-heated, I knew something was up.

So I said my early good-byes and headed to the car.  I was literally moaning {and shivering} the whole ride home.

When I got home, the girls hadn’t gone to sleep yet.  They were supposed to have been in bed.  But weren’t listening to their big sis {who, in all honesty, was probably not trying very hard to get them to bed, as she was too busy video chatting with her BF}.

Sidenote:  Piper sat by the phone almost all day waiting for a friend to call her back for a playdate.  She left a message earlier and literally sat by the phone all day waiting for that call.  When I left for the party, I told her it was too late for a playdate and we’d try tomorrow.  She. broke. down. hard!  I caved and told her if the friend called, she could invite her for a sleepover.  I really didn’t think the other mom would be okay with a last minute sleepover OR be comfortable with a 14 year old sister watching 4 little girls.

Back to my story … so I get home, barely able to walk, burning up {turns out I had a 101.5 fever}, and in tears.  I see 3 little girls giggling, hiding, and out of bed and I lose it.  I start yelling at them {through tears, mind you} to get into bed, I’m not feeling well and they need to listen.

It’s only then that I realize … one of these kids doesn’t belong to me.

“Oh, hi Allie,” I say.  “I see you’re sleeping over?”  And P.S., a head up from miss teenager would’ve been helpful!

Anyway … get the girls all into bed.  Wynt was the good one and had stayed in bed the first time.

And I climb into bed myself.  So in pain, I can barely turn over.  Yuck.

Fortunately, by 1:00ish in the morning, my fever had broke and the pain had subsided.  I had no idea what was going on and the only thing I can think of, is that it was some kind of reaction from my medication.

The main side effect are flu-like symptoms … I feel a bit of it everyday … so small and tiny, but I think this was one large dose of side-effects.

By Sunday morning, I was feeling better … a bit like I’d been run over by a truck … just sore, tired, drained.  But SO much better than Saturday night.

Anyway … I don’t like to post very often about how I’m doing.  And most of the time if someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them fine.

I guess I have a hard time leaving my reader thinking “uh, okay … now what.”  Or leaving a friend thinking “well, oh, that sucks for you.”

Okay, wow … I stepped away from writing this for a bit and came back and can’t believe how long this is … sorry!  Not intended.

I mostly just wanted to put an update out about my health.  I’ve been leery to write about it, because quite honestly, there’s not much positive to say about it and I don’t want to give negative news.  Or sound like I’m complaining.

Someone asked me why I don’t say what’s really going on with me.  My response was that my goal on this blog is to inspire people.  And to hear about my whoa’s isn’t necessarily inspiring.

“Now wait a minute!” some of you might be thinking.  “You’re our friend, we love you and care about you and want to hear the nitty-gritty.”  {is that what you’re thinking?} ;)

Listen … I’m still trying to sort through this.  I’m not a complainer by nature {at least I don’t think I am}.  Most of the time, my life’s motto is just to suck it up and move on.

One of my bloggy friends sent the sweetest, sweetest email ever and told me about some chronic health issues she’s been facing for a long time … and that I shouldn’t feel like I’m complaining.  That I should feel open to share.  I sooo appreciated that note.  And while, I get it … and I get {and love} that you all care so much about me and truly just want to know how I’m feeling … I suppose I just need to continue to sort through it all and get to a place of finding the right balance in sharing?

I don’t know.

Okay … wow, look at me carry on …

Here’s the thing … here’s the reason I decided to post on this … someone at my morning bible study asked me recently how I was feeling.  Big sigh … how do I answer this?  I told her I’m not feeling much relief and that I have multiple symptom flare-ups … most of the time, I have numerous flare-ups daily.

But … here’s the big epiphany … I explained to her that I am at total peace.  I truly am okay.  I know, that I know, that I know … God will. not. give me more than I can handle.  If He thinks I can handle this … then I darn well better handle it.

It’s not easy.  And at times it just downright sucks {the big one!}.

But He’s a loving God.  I trust in this fact.  I live in this fact.  And if this is what He’s given me … I will honor it.  I will grow from it … and as I’ve said before, my goal is to inspire others through my growth.